ONE LINERS
A frog telephones the psychic hot line and is told, "you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great!" said the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," said the psychic, "next term’s biology class."
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
A white horse goes into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The barman says, "We have one named after you," the horse replies, "What? Eric?"
A woman passed a butchers shop and asked the butcher, "Is that a pigs head in the window?" he Replied, "No, madam, that’s a mirror"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
He said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you.' 'That's right - always stick up for me. What did you say?' 'I said you were.
How many animals can you find in a pair of knickers? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, 1 pussy, some crabs and a dead fish nobody can find.
Shag a sheep at the edge of a cliff, they don't half push back.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning". "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Two cows in a field, one said, "MOO", the other one said, "I knew you were going to say that".
Two horses are stood talking at the bar when a greyhound walks in and says, "Hello." The horses look at each other surprised and one says, "Fuck me, a talking dog!"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do Blackpool donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour
What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual.
What's pink and hard? A Pig with a flick knife.
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
A frog telephones the psychic hot line and is told, "you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great!" said the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," said the psychic, "next term’s biology class."
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
A white horse goes into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The barman says, "We have one named after you," the horse replies, "What? Eric?"
A woman passed a butchers shop and asked the butcher, "Is that a pigs head in the window?" he Replied, "No, madam, that’s a mirror"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
He said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you.' 'That's right - always stick up for me. What did you say?' 'I said you were.
How many animals can you find in a pair of knickers? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, 1 pussy, some crabs and a dead fish nobody can find.
Shag a sheep at the edge of a cliff, they don't half push back.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning". "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Two cows in a field, one said, "MOO", the other one said, "I knew you were going to say that".
Two horses are stood talking at the bar when a greyhound walks in and says, "Hello." The horses look at each other surprised and one says, "Fuck me, a talking dog!"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do Blackpool donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour
What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual.
What's pink and hard? A Pig with a flick knife.
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.
"Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I?
I have to pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.
"Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I?
I have to pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
Bruce and Fred are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Bruce suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.
They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.
"We need a bigger rock." offers Fred . They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.
Bruce and Fred look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."
They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.
They look at each other and say "Did you see that? That goat charged us and then dived into the hole."
They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.
Just then, Griff walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"
"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said Bruce.
"It couldn't have been my goat." said Griff, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.
"We need a bigger rock." offers Fred . They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.
Bruce and Fred look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."
They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.
They look at each other and say "Did you see that? That goat charged us and then dived into the hole."
They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.
Just then, Griff walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"
"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said Bruce.
"It couldn't have been my goat." said Griff, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any bread",
The barman replies "no"
The duck says "got any Bread",
The barman says "no",
The duck says "got any Bread",
The barman says" if you ask me that again I will nail your beak to the bar".
The duck says" got any nails",
The barman says "no
The duck says "got any Bread".
The barman replies "no"
The duck says "got any Bread",
The barman says "no",
The duck says "got any Bread",
The barman says" if you ask me that again I will nail your beak to the bar".
The duck says" got any nails",
The barman says "no
The duck says "got any Bread".
This guy goes into a bar and orders a large whiskey." You won't believe what happened to me" he says to the barman.
"I was driving over the mountain ridge and my car suddenly broke down and stopped. Now I don't know much about cars and I was wondering how I was going to fix it .... when these two horses in a field beside me trotted over".
One of the horses said "I know what's wrong with your car, the HT lead is loose"
"I couldn't believe it", the guy says, "But it was true, so I tightened up the HT lead and continued on my journey"
The barman says to the guy "Tell me was it a large white horse with a black mane?"
The guy says "Yes It was!, how did you know that?"
"Obvious" says the barman, "The other horse knows nothing about Cars !!!"
"I was driving over the mountain ridge and my car suddenly broke down and stopped. Now I don't know much about cars and I was wondering how I was going to fix it .... when these two horses in a field beside me trotted over".
One of the horses said "I know what's wrong with your car, the HT lead is loose"
"I couldn't believe it", the guy says, "But it was true, so I tightened up the HT lead and continued on my journey"
The barman says to the guy "Tell me was it a large white horse with a black mane?"
The guy says "Yes It was!, how did you know that?"
"Obvious" says the barman, "The other horse knows nothing about Cars !!!"
A travelling salesman was driving down a country road, coming upon a farm when he noticed a pig standing by the gate to the farm. Something was different about the pig and the salesman slowed down for a better look. As he got closer he noticed that the pig had a wooden leg. it was intricately carved. Someone had taken a lot of time to make this leg for the pig. The salesman decided to drive up to the farmhouse to find out more about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer came out to meet him as he arrived at the house
The salesman said, "I couldn’t help but notice your pig with the wooden leg. What ever happened that caused him to have a wooden leg?" The farmer said, "That pig is a special pig to us. Yes sir, he’s really a special pig all right." The salesman asked, "What makes him such a special pig?" The former explained, "Well, I guess he was just born that way, but that pig saved our lives. Our house caught on fire and that pig came up on the porch and banged and banged on the door and grunted and made such a ruckus that he woke as up. He saved our lives. He sure is a special pig to us." "I see," said the salesman. "He sure is a special pig all right. I can understand that now, but how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer explains, "Now didn’t I tell you that pig was a special pig? Anyone knows that you don’t eat a special pig like that all at once
The salesman said, "I couldn’t help but notice your pig with the wooden leg. What ever happened that caused him to have a wooden leg?" The farmer said, "That pig is a special pig to us. Yes sir, he’s really a special pig all right." The salesman asked, "What makes him such a special pig?" The former explained, "Well, I guess he was just born that way, but that pig saved our lives. Our house caught on fire and that pig came up on the porch and banged and banged on the door and grunted and made such a ruckus that he woke as up. He saved our lives. He sure is a special pig to us." "I see," said the salesman. "He sure is a special pig all right. I can understand that now, but how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer explains, "Now didn’t I tell you that pig was a special pig? Anyone knows that you don’t eat a special pig like that all at once
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